There is a well-worn path to the “doghouse” – that commonly favoured penalty for any number of male domestic misdemeanours. And it’s no small penalty either: being ostracised and falling out of favour. Men just don’t have anything to compare with it in their own arsenal of retribution. They can certainly snub their spouses but withhold sexual intimacy? – that would be… unnatural.
The truth is, both genders can gain perverse pleasure in hurling insults or giving the “silent treatment” and making a partner suffer for their sins. But in reality, any kind of “getting even” is a poor behavioural choice, if what you really want is not to feel aggrieved, and for issues to be satisfactorily resolved. With a relationship, winning is not the same as succeeding. Owning up to feeling hurt or angry about something, and talking about it calmly and rationally, doesn’t bring the same immediate gratification as the “slash and burn” approach, but in the long run it has much bigger pay-offs. It helps avoid a pattern of recrimination, standoff and anger becoming an entrenched and habitual way of handling things.
Perhaps the best way to stay out of the doghouse is not to go along with the idea at all – including not using similar tactics yourself. This may mean taking the initiative in the relationship, waiting for a time of mutual calm, and negotiating some new ground rules for dealing with conflict.
No relationship is without conflict – conflict is inevitable. But it’s not inevitably bad – quite the contrary – handled well, it can actually be turned into a real positive. Tackling conflict constructively can help people get to know each other better: what they think, how they feel and what is important to them; it can help break through obstacles to much needed change and improvement; it can “clear up” false beliefs and misconceptions; it can disperse tension and stress, and help the relationship evolve, move forward, and strengthen.
Here are some simple ground rules for dealing with conflict:
- Do nothing unless you are calm and ready to accept some compromise (rarely is anyone completely right).
- Genuinely listen to the other person’s point of view (not waiting for the opportunity to flatten them with an overpowering response) and try to imagine yourself in their position.
- Agree not to interrupt each other or to get hooked into an argument.
- Be respectful – not using put-downs, nasty remarks, or blaming; not being loud or overbearing.
- Refuse to use, or succumb to, any kind of emotional manipulation or blackmail.
- Define and explore the issue (without “roping in” other unconnected issues and feelings).
- Negotiate a solution that leaves you both feeling heard, respected, and valued.
If your partner is not amenable to discussing issues or problems in your relationship, it may be time to seek some professional advice from a counsellor, psychologist, or pastoral professional.