For most men, seeking help with personal problems doesn’t come naturally. It can seem easier to postpone action until every last bit of their capacity to cope is exhausted, or the earnest prompting of a wife or girlfriend can’t be ignored any longer. Whilst there are understandable reasons why men often hold out in this way, there are some real benefits for men in stepping in early with personal problems and seeking help well before feeling overwhelmed by them.
As men, we may have to override some powerful instincts to seek assistance because it isn’t consistent with what we expect of ourselves, or with what is generally expected of us and our male role. Giving leeway to personal vulnerability is a tough call. Yet, that is precisely why seeking assistance early is so important. If we take the initiative in getting help with personal problems before we are overwhelmed by them (and lose control over how public they become), we can deal with them in a way that is least likely to demean our maleness, compromise our privacy, or cause embarrassment. We can more thoughtfully seek the kind of assistance we need, and be in control of the process, instead of feeling as though others are having a field day with our personal issues.
If we wait to become emotionally destabilized and overwhelmed by a personal problem before seeking assistance, we may find ourselves either maneuvered (by well-meaning others) into, or having to accept, a form of assistance that cares little about preserving our masculine dignity.
Research has shown that men are less likely than their female counterparts to receive much needed assistance with personal problems, because many health and welfare services and professionals are not yet knowledgeable or skilled in engaging and working with men appropriately (Australian Bureau of Statistics [ABS], 2023; Macdonald et al., 2022; Seidler et al., 2016). Responding early to personal problems can buy time to “ask around” – to find a counsellor or psychotherapist who doesn’t have a gender-biased “axe to grind”, and who is competent and capable of working respectfully and effectively with men.
Another reluctance men commonly have to overcome is investing the necessary time and money in the process of getting things properly back on track. Just as recovery from a physical ailment may demand time and expense, the same is often true of emotional and psychological ailments.
As men, we need to be as pragmatic about our psychological health as we are with other practical matters. Saying, “I need to get some advice about a personal issue” may well feel uncomfortable, but at least it leaves us in control, and free to decide how we will respond.
“Biting the bullet” and seeking assistance early makes a whole lot more sense than waiting until a major crisis occurs – which may not only take much more time and effort to remedy but can unnecessarily compromise both our privacy and our sense of manhood.
References
Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2023). National Study of Mental Health and Wellbeing, 2020–2022: Latest release.
Macdonald, J. A., Mansour, K. A., Wynter, K., Francis, L. M., Rogers, A., Angeles, M. R., Pennell, M., Biden, E., Harrison, T., & Smith, I. (2022). Men’s and boys’ barriers to health system access: A literature review. Australian Government Department of Health and Aged Care.
Seidler, Z. E., Dawes, A. J., Rice, S. M., Oliffe, J. L., & Dhillon, H. M. (2016). The role of masculinity in men’s help-seeking for depression: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 106–118.