Just for Men (and for the women who want to sneak a look). If you find it interesting, do leave a comment and pass it on.
Men, Women and Communication
Biology is ingenious in attracting men and women to each other physically, but what of the chaos that so often follows? Countless thousands of relationships are beached on the bleached sands of men and women’s mutual incomprehension. Though poor communication may deserve some of the blame, it is often men and women’s characteristically different ways of communicating that seem to cause most problems.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that most women like verbal communication, whereas most men prefer verbal economy. These largely “hardwired” communication styles (a throw-back to our hunter/gatherer past), reinforced by cultural conditioning, have had considerable survival value when the chips are down: when men must urgently attend to protecting the group, and women must urgently attend to its emotional welfare. These aptitudes still have relevance to the kinds of roles and tasks that men and women generally gravitate towards and perform: men concerning themselves more with producing and providing, and women with relationships, social rapport, and the upbringing, cultural preparation and welfare of children.
These fundamental differences also reflect in men’s tendency to use more assertive, commanding, and straightforward language – the language of action and getting things done; and women’s tendency to favour language that is more subtle, nuanced – aimed at building rapport and relationships, and achieving consensus. Another perplexing contrast is how women favour the verbal expression of emotion and explicit “feeling” words, whereas men tend to encode emotion and make it known through metaphors and even humour.
Differences are also evident in the way men and women tend to deal with personal problems, with women chiefly valuing empathy, and men preferring problem solving. Women may resent men responding to their troubles by suggesting a solution, more often preferring to have someone offer a story of matching trouble: “Yes when that happened to me, I felt…” Conversely, men can feel belittled by this kind of response, which for them indicates not that a partner cares, but that there is a competition for sympathy. It also galls men when women seem only to want empathy, and not to immediately solve the problem they are complaining about. For men, a verbalized problem or complaint invites a problem-solving response and constructive action. Though both men and women value being understood, women prefer to savor it, whereas men use it as a more immediate springboard for action. Is it any wonder that men and women misunderstand each other?
Admittedly, some men do need to better adapt to the changing nature of relationships, and to practice subtler forms of communication. But women too need to recognize that quantity of communication doesn’t always mean quality, and that men’s style of communication is no less valid than theirs. Give and take is important here. Men and women will have their preferences, but these need to be reasonably negotiated, based on an understanding of communication differences.